My life is a fog...

I laugh now when I type this but it was the truth of my life to an extent. If the whole truth is to be known the parts of my life I saw as my best points and my strongest traits- I came to see with the suddenness of a fast moving fog bank were actually the biggest traps and lies. It was just like I stepped into the suns rays of reality and realized that my life is now and has always been an answer to my prayers. How awesome this moment of truth was for me.

Firstly I was a very committed Christian for many years, walking according to the Words as taught by those I assumed knew more than I about faith. I studied and learned all I could and when I did see flaws in the teachings or the thoughts of the “Religious” body or the contradictions between the OT and New Testaments, or found it hard to accept the strange Faith that taught and preached “LOVE” but killed and wished the non-believers death and an eternity of suffering - I ignored the red flags or “error” because it was called a lack of faith or outright unbelief. UNTIL the Days of Prayer moved me. I had grown tired of all the people I heard praying to God but talking to men, of those teaching a path that they did not walk and condemning those who did not follow it blindly. I simply could not accept that this was the God who in love created all that I saw and all I knew to be, and if my heart ached for the suffering of His creation how could His not. So I prayed and I prayed -- and it was always the same Prayer-- Just show me you-- the real you -- not a mans thoughts of you -- not a reason for you - but the God I would face – the God who said seek me – I want to Know YOU!

It has been 7 years since that first prayer-- although not since the first doubt. Since then My life crashed -- and man did it crash! The first thing that changed was my faith -- I began to feel a NEED to read any and all types of books on God, not just Christian books but all faiths. There I found that almost all beliefs share the same thoughts. I also began to see that many of the teachings of the "church" in Religion were thoughts of man reaching and moving man. Finally I saw one night that what I had believed and followed was a lie - God didn't answer prayer - at least not like I had been told - and there is no hell and worse yet no heaven - again at least not like I was taught. Which left me very shaken and scared the bejeebers out of me! Who was going to protect me? Who was going to save me? Who could I trust and believe? I felt so very alone and like my spirit was naked. Then the fog of fear lifted and I realized that God the Creator was in ME. That I hadn't lost a thing in fact I gained. I didn't need to go somewhere or do something to reach the Creator because I was in fact part of it all - Male and female, positive and negative, all of creation was in me and me in creation. It didn't stop there. I saw my connection to every other part of this creation in my natural form as spirit and energy. I am part of the energy of all that that surrounds me and is in me. Talk about peace... I thought I had it made… but that prayer was still to be answered, in ways I don't think I could have survived had I not now understood who and what I was.

In a period of 6 years I became physically unable to take care of me in ways I had before -- I lost the power to be in control of my physical needs for a time -- I blew 2 discs in my back and was told to learn to live with the pain. For a manager at heart to have to rely on others was a tough lesson. Then my husband was called away with the military and I had to allow others to help me, my pride and self-centered attitude took a major hit. Then the husband left to be with another, and I lost the one who I thought was to be in the rest of my life with me. I was forced into bankruptcy and my view of honor made that so extremely difficult to accept… and in all honesty my pride took a huge hit. Talk about low! I knew the Creator was in and was me and I had created all this in my life so I couldn't even shake my fist at the Sky and be angry at God.

Then it happened, the Fog Lifted and I saw the path I was on…my life is all where it was to be! I was being given the most wonderful chance ever possible -- I was getting my prayer answered in a way so deeply profound it is hard to share but I cannot keep it in. And while I was just stepping into the clearing I felt such excitement I could not wait to share it...

If I hadn't learned to need others I would not be able to see we are all connected-- and it is Love that binds ALL. Had I stayed married I would never have gone into Chat nor extended my self out of my safety zone, and learned that there are many paths and yet the same Energy of Spirit feeds them all. Had I never bankrupt I would never have learned MY Honor and Integrity are not affected by outside things that happen. The best lesson is here too which is - having lost all my “ME-ans” of meeting my needs and thinking I alone can do it all… I was being given a wonderful opportunity to see that creation is my source - creation in ME and I am the one with the voice to call into being my wants and needs from the true Source. How Truly Awesome -- God and Creation Is and will forever more answer my prayer -- Show Me YOU!!